Make Believe

How am I going to be an optimist about this...

At the core of everyone, I believe there is something good. Who is it that theorized that we are inherently good? I'm with that guy. 

There is something in me that see's the potential good in everyone and takes off running with it. Everything good in someone, to me, is who they are. I take those building blocks, however many or few there may be, of admirable traits in a person and build a castle with them; a fortress that, unfortunately, is almost impenetrable to anything I might disagree with about that person. In fact, disagreeable traits somehow get lost entirely in the construction of my castles; swept aside under the brush and rarely paid enough attention to make a difference in my opinion about them. 

I've learned that this works against me.

This ability that I've developed to completely disregard unfavorable traits about people has smothered my ability to weigh someone's personality in a balanced way. It's turned my ability to forgive into such a trampled footpath that it's more like a 6 lane freeway, now. Nobody can do wrong, and if you do, give me a few months and I'll forget it entirely. I'll be back at ground zero building you a castle again. I can not hold a grudge. 

This year has seen the first time that I've ever written someone off entirely as a friend and it took a lot for me to get there... a whole year, in fact. A whole year of hoping for the best in this person. A whole year of believing that their friendship would outweigh anything deceitful, untrue and harsh they harbored in their heart. A whole year of forgiving and forgetting; of being walked on, lied to, betrayed, and manipulated. A whole year of giving my friendship unconditionally only to have it returned battered and unable breathe. 

It takes a lot for a castle to crumble;

to demolish something that I've built.

It takes a lot for the walls of my pride to collapse;

to admit that believing in something doesn't make it that way;

that my foundation was faulty 

and the bricks in this castle were made of dreams. 

It takes a lot for me to lose hope in someone.

Sometimes the castles begin to fall into disarray when someone negates the personality I've dreamt up for them and im met by disappointment. But its always repairable. There is always a trait that overcomes my disappoint. Or I will find one. Or i'll find an excuse. Or I forgive. For this reason, it takes more than a wrecking ball to bring my towers crumbling.

I forgive the unforgiveable.

I overlook the unsightly.

I defend offenses with excuse.

And unfortunately, and I use that word with certainty after much deliberation, this is because I hold such high standards for everyone. People are not made of their faults. They are inherently good and along the beaten path of life that's what will bring the conscience to the surface...even in the most reckless people. 

But expectation, I've learned and learned the hard way, is the root of all heartache.

I've met disappointment with hope too many times.

Reality sometimes is a hard friend to have. He tells you everything you need to hear. Or possibly everything you already knew, but refused to say out loud. 

Despite the armor that hope bears and the sword that forgiveness yields, reality works it's way from the inside. Sometimes he is the traitor that brings my castles to their rightful place: to rubble. And hope stands wounded, and forgiveness blinded, and reality just shrugging. 

I told you so, he says.

This castle was built on dreams.